so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
