I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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