I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
