she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
