I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
