hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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