I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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