I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize