8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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