Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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