So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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