dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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