Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
