plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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