You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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