I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
