i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
