Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
