I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
