Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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