My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
