When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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