just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
