i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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