I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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