do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
