tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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