these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
