i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
