I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize