so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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