Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
