Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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