No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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