i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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