the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
