Soap is not a condiment
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
