how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize