No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
