you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
