: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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