her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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