just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
