I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
