as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
