Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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