I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
