Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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