i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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