How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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