We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
