our cab driver is having phone sex.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
