What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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