He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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