the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
