dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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