my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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