I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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