Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize