I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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